Girls should come with a carfax report
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
