I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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