yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
