CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
