Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
