I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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