So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
