I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
