I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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