I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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