he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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