So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
