I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
