Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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