alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
