Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize