yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
