Heybabeimwearingurpanties
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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