Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
