considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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