Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
