i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
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