WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
