Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
two words...techno handjob
organizing the empties. That sober.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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