It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
