Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
