How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
whose parrot is this?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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