Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
