Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
