New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
