my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
