wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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