I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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