Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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