Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There r osticjed everywhere
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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