i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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