Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
