Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
