WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Everyone says I win the strip club
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
