Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
