I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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