i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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