I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
