Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
