John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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