She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
