nutella sex= disaster
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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