I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
