if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
