My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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