he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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