Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
