I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
