So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
