It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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