Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
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