Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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