He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
