I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize